Bethesda miracle: lettuce achieves sentience

I gotta admit, this is getting kind of gross. I threw out more youthful leftovers just a few minutes ago. But I’m prone to waiting and seeing a bit longer on this lettuce. To wit:

• The open-air lettuce, at 6:00, is about half the size of the others. Not as brown, but pretty floppy and unappealing.
• At 9:00, we have the plain plastic bag quarter. A lot of discoloration leaf-wise and on the side not exposed in this picture. The stump is the most discolored of the lot.
• At high noon, the unadulterated green bag quarter. The slimiest specimen on display. Plump, yet discolored in a well-distributed manner.
• At 3:00, we find the quarter in the green bag with a napkin to absorb some excess moisture. The bag still had some droplets on the inside, but this unit has the least discoloration (see the stump?), and is generally faring the best.

I’m kind of prone to seeing how far this will go. At least until I come up with a better idea.

On the subject of better ideas: Am thinking of running a performance comparison between Formula 409, Windex and white vinegar/baking soda. I’m sure the details will be both arcane and comical.

Alternative suggestions welcome.