Tomato, tomahto, what’s the big freakin’ deal?

Why are there so many ways to grow tomatoes? Was there once a suburban mid-Atlantic shortage, so people feel a need to cultivate their own for fear of going without? Personally, the thought of missing out on a season of tomatoes does not strike fear into my heart.  A season of Oreos? That’s another story. But I don’t see slick-talking infomercial hucksters tearing up the airwaves over it.

Here – because I have too much free time – is a casually researched compendium of tomato provision schemes that caught my eye:

The Tomato Giant Tomato Tree: This product scares the bejesus out of me. The tsunami of tomatoes this may produce is daunting, and cannot possibly be utilized peacefully and without malice.That’s more tomatoes than should be allowed by law.

The Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter: To be honest, I did buy one of these a couple of years ago. After about half an hour of shoveling dirt into the bag, setting a small plant up to poke out of the bottom and watering the whole g’schmear as directed, it weighed about 30 pounds. I could hardly carry it and couldn’t find a suitable place to hang the blighted thing. I gave up. Possibly because I didn’t know that it came in a version “with stand.” Duly noted.

The Upside Down Tomato Garden: Don’t be fooled, this is not the Topsy Turvy. It is an entirely different way to invert your tomatoes. Since that’s just what this country so desperately needs in these troubled economic times. More ways to invert your tomatoes.

Year-Round Tomato Kit: Millennium soil is, apparently, the secret to a constant supply of nutritious, delicious tomatoes. “Millennium soil” also sounds like a plot device from a post-apocalyptic movie that proved to be the harbinger of the apocalypse.

While googling around for these items, I discovered Sunlight Sheds, where I believe that all orders now come with a complimentary cavity search. In particular, the testimonials are priceless.