Nutgraf

I have a very fabulous friend. Don’t look so surprised. We went to college together briefly, before we both decided to transfer elsewhere, but our friendship has survived over the ensuing millennia. Which is pretty great.

Well, she’s been living in an apartment that was “promising” at the beginning, but then degraded to “holy fucksticks” when her upstairs neighbor got utterly out of control. A very long story about an illegal sublet, the slow-moving wheels of justice, and the uncanny instinct for manipulation of Lower East Side crackheads combined into a miserable hellbroth that made this saucy little apartment in a very hip neighborhood utterly unlivable.

She’s moving! Which is awesome!

But what’s even more awesome is that she’s moving into a house she owns with her soon-to-be husband! Hooray for marriage.

Here, my dear friend, is some advice for a happy marriage that I’ve gleaned over the squamillion years I’ve been with Spouse. You’ve been subjected to the long, weepy and/or angry phone calls when things were rocky, so you should benefit from the good times. I hope this serves you and your own Spouse well and perhaps gives you a head start as you take this great leap of faith.

That “never go to bed angry” thing? Yeah, that’s bullshit. You will. You’re human and you’ll get angry and it won’t be over with in time for bed. But it’s a nice principle and mostly seems to mean that you should be open to compromise, and knowing that there is no “winning” in marriage, except for winning a warm, open and wonderful relationship with a person you respect and admire. Which I guess is kind of the point and matters rather a lot more than winning the Great Countertop Clutter Wars of 2009.

You’re used to maintaining and protecting your pride. Learn to stop keeping score. Same principle – which is more important to you? The garage door opener, or maintaining a safe, sane and loving household? Some days you’ll just be cranky. Learn to identify that and articulate it and not seek causes or blame. “Honey, I’m just having a crap day and will take it out on you if you start up about who made the bed this morning. Can we discuss it another time?” It requires perspective and the ability to step outside of yourself for a minute and that takes practice and won’t happen 100% of the time. But once you get a handle on it, it makes a huge difference in a happy life.

You each need your own space. I’m not talking about the Man Cave in the basement, but space to either have a quiet morning, or afternoon tea, or a project to tinker with unrushed and unpestered.

Make the mundane enjoyable. You have to do it anyway, right? May as well make the best out of it. One of my favorite activities now is going to the grocery store with Spouse. We go together, in the “fun” car, and take a scenic route to a store 45 minutes away, instead of the one four blocks away. We get a couple of hours together while taking care of a chore, and make a little occasion out of it.You’re married – you don’t have to do dinner and a movie to go on a date.

Er… that’s the crux of it. Anyone have anything to add?

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