Nutgraf

Whenever you get really pissed about something your significant other (SO) has done, use this algorithm before proceeding. LIKE CHOOSE OWN ADVENTURE (the Adult Series, where instead of falling down a hole or being shut in the tomb forever, the negative ending is DIVORCE.)

1) Is it within the power of my SO to prevent this from occurring again?

• If Yes, proceed to Step 2.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

2) If my SO died of a fast, malevolent cancer three months from now, would I be happy I Had a Big Discussion about this, or would I wish that I had let it go? (I know this sounds dramatic, but if something is a big enough deal, you will be satisfied you stuck up for yourself, no matter what life brings.)

• If yes, proceed to step 3.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

3) Discuss the issue with SO. Be sure that you describe in excruciating detail your frustration and rage; enumerate very specific interventions you would like your SO to implement immediately; announce strategy to measure compliance and penalties for violations. Example: “When you leave dirty dishes in your Man Cave, the bugs come. When the bugs come, and I see them, I pee myself a little in terror, which increases my dry cleaning bills, and makes me have incredibly vivid flashbacks to the tenement I lived in when I was in New York, which was also inhabited by an deranged senior citizen who once tried to kill me with a meat cleaver. True story!

Anyway, reliving those experiences puts me in a bad mood for the remainder of the day and dramatically decreases the chance of you getting any of my sugar tonight in the bedroom area. Please bring your dishes upstairs and rinse them off like a big boy. If I see any dirty dishes downstairs again, I will not yell, but I will silently find you wherever you are in the house and like a ninja, do something horrible to you when you least expect it.* Thanks for your time.”

* This only works if you follow through. Generally the more hilarious the horrible thing is, the easier time your SO has remembering not to leave dishes downstairs.

– Amanda

We so often get too comfortable with the people to whom we’re closest. We use emotional shorthand and assume they know what we’re thinking and seethe quietly with resentment over things like this. Air your thoughts early, clearly and plainly, and stick to the issue at hand.

But more to the point, isn’t this great? You know, the meat cleaver thing is totally true – I saw the dents in the door with my own two eyes, though I never did spy the actual geezer. Also, I can vouch for her ninja powers, management skills (seriously, this is some strategic planning), and obsession with malevolent cancer.

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