Nutgraf

Introducing Veronica Rose [Spouse's last name].

• Born March 1, 2010
• 6 lbs, 13 oz
• The nurses gave her a gold star for her incredible head of hair (not pictured).

Am hoping not to make a habit of blogging about the minutiae of new parenthood. There are lots of people who do this really well, and it’s not my niche. But… maybe… once in a while…

In the spirit of science, here are some initial observations.

• No matter what you tell your mother in the months before your water breaks (or the 35 years of your prior acquaintance), she will still want to stay in the delivery room for the main event. And you just might not care at that point. This happens to everyone, right?
• The moment of delivery is astonishing on a number of levels. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
• Epidural. Say it loud. Say it proud. Say it early. Don’t wait and go through hours of suffering if you’re heading for the drip anyway – save your strength.
• Let me repeat: Epidural. As someone who has been in pain before, I have the authority to state that there is nothing noble or interesting about it. Nature does lots of painful undignified things to us that we don’t have any trouble interfering with.
• Somehow this six pound human facsimile is controlling four full-grown adults 24 hours a day. I know this does not make us unique, so I won’t bitch about it further. For at least the next five minutes.
• You *can* make a baby almost entirely out of Skittles.
• Those enormous boobs I ordered when I was 15 arrived today. Shazam.

Nobody knows what they’re talking about. Conversely, everybody knows what they’re talking about.

In the last two days I’ve been told the following by a series of legitimate medical professionals:

• Unwrap the baby for feedings so she’s a little agitated and alert.
• Swaddle the baby for feedings so she’s comfortable and relaxed.
• Keep the baby’s hands and fingers covered so they don’t flail around and disturb her.
• Free up the baby’s hands so she can comfort herself – she’s had them in utero, why take them away now?
• Take the baby’s temperature in the ear or armpit.
• Take the baby’s temperature rectally.
• Start good sleeping habits right away, it’s never too early.
• Spend the first couple of months just doing whatever she wants, you can’t start bad habits yet.
• Never wake a sleeping baby.
• Wake her up for feeding times.

So now that we’ve got that straight. Am I missing anything?

Here’s some great advice from friend Laina – who has personally manufactured two fine offspring of her very own, so you know she knows what she’s talking about.

It doesn’t matter what you say. Kids only learn from what you do.

You watch TV? Good luck following the American Academy of Pediatrics advice to keep them away from TV until age two.

You like healthy food? With a few small battles in the toddler years, your offspring will probably grow up eating their veggies most of the time.

Same thing with naps and bedtime. If you believe in sleep and take it seriously enough to put them in a quiet, dark place at more or less the same time(s) every day, they will learn to nap. And well-rested kids are happier kids.

You know, I’d take this farther and come out and say that “walk the walk” is good advice for more than just parenting. Know where you stand and live your ideals.

Have something to add? Currently seeking words of wisdom about work, parenting, home maintenance, cooking, relationships… Tell me what you know!

I’ve been pregnant now for entirely too long, and am now thinking of my third trimester as “the new and distressing creases months.” As my weight swiftly approaches infinity, and time marches inexorably towards what I’m calling “the event horizon,” I was really excited to get this chunk of parenting advice from a friend I have long admired.

I had children before I was grown up, thus sparing my child from enduring the constant attention and undiluted focus of the typical Baby Boomer parent.

I tended to see my child as something to be enjoyed, played with, picked up and carried off to whatever I was doing, whenever I was doing it. This meant I never had those annoying little glitches in the schedule around “nap time.” — hell, if the kid needs to nap, he’ll find a way to take it. And by God he did, in the car, in the bar, in the box, with a fox… no wait, that’s another book…

BUT Green Eggs and Ham does bring me to the topic of EATING

I always assumed that once he dropped that bottle, he would eat anything, any where — and thus spared myself the curse of the picky eater. Hot dogs (love those nitrates!) enchildadas, Thai spring rolls, broccoli — if it wasn’t moving TOO fast, the kid, like his parents, would eat it and enjoy it! I cannot tolerate the fussy eater.

Don’t like what you just got handed for dinner ? Then don’t eat.

Isn’t she awesome? Now, I can testify to the love in her family and the success of her techniques. And it’s a breath of fresh air – in light of some of the obsessive parenting I’ve seen as well as some of the obsessive gestating I’ve been doing – to read a more reasonable theory that lets everyone get on with the business of living their lives.

As much as I bitch, I am looking forward to meeting the baby. Hopefully before I develop my own gravitational field.

Seeking Advice

I’m renewing my request for advice. How do you pick a good mechanic? Or the right paint color? A life partner? A job? I’d be grateful for your advice on life, work, love… anything, really. Whether deadly serious or seriously funny, and whether you allow me to share your advice on the blog, or keep it just between us, I know you know some great stuff.

Tell me what you know!

You heard it here first: The secret to happiness is a sense of humor.

That’s it. And it’s free of charge and of calories. No enhancing your  manhOOd, or obscure potentates with unclaimed bank accounts. Not a spectacular sale at Bloomingdale’s (though that doesn’t hurt), and not the whole damn cheesecake.

If you find yourself fortunate enough to be in possession of a sense of humor (and not everyone is so lucky), you should hold it close, keep it safe, nurture it, feed it and stroke it gently. Tell it it’s pretty and that it looks great in those pants. Keep it warm and out of drafts, give it plenty of sunlight and stuff to read. It’s your best friend and no one can take it away from you.

Got something to add?

Alison reminds us of the temporal limitations of whatever ails us.

When my daughter was 5 days old, and I was a hormonal mess, I called a more experienced mom, and said, “Tell me it gets better. WHEN does it get better?” and she said, “hang on, let me ask my husband.” He had some ideas (all of which ranged into months, which just made me cry more), but then said, “Remember: This too shall pass.”

So that’s my best advice ever received: this too shall pass. The bad stages, the not-sleeping, the tantrums, the hitting, the not-eating, the climbing the furniture, and on and on into parenting challenges I’ve not yet experienced, it all passes. But this too: the good stuff, the big-eyed baby, the falling asleep in your arms, the learning to walk, the screaming with joy when you walk in the room, the kid referring to herself with a pet name, that passes too. There’s no holding on or slowing down, but it’s worth remembering.

– Alison

My dad says something similar. But his goes like this: “This too shall pass. And shall be followed by more misery and pain. I prefer Alison’s today.

Have something to share? Don’t be shy – send me a piece of advice!