Nutgraf

Kristen Chase has been around the block – and through a number of careers. As the author of Motherhood Uncensored and the Mominatrix column at The Imperfect Parent, Kristen also has a new book out: The Mominatrix’s Guide to Sex: A No-Surrender Advice Book for Naughty Moms.  Check out the book’s shiny new Web page with saucy avatar.

As the publisher and COO of the supremely popular CoolMomPicks and one of the founders of  Blog With Integrity, in her spare time, she’s also the mother of three. It’s safe to say she’s got a lot of irons in the fire. Which, frankly, is one of the things that I admire about her. As someone who is constitutionally disinclined to do just one thing all day, I love to meet people who have crafted varied and interesting careers – think of it like diversifying your intellectual investment portfolio. Or like attention deficit disorder. Whichev.

But back to Kristen. She’s a joy to read, and handles sensitive and (ahem) ticklish subjects with unvarnished candor and good humor – which is so important. Want to know which vibrator to bring on a family vacation? Or how she really feels about her husband’s colleague who called in sick, mucking up Christmas morning? She’ll tell you. Also, she likes saying “balls” a lot, which I just find endearing. And she has been kind enough to share her insight here about work, play and parenting.

How do you know when you’re in the right job?

I think jobs are a lot like shoes. I’ve rarely found a good shoe that doesn’t feel right the second you put it on. It took me a while (and a lot of shoes) to figure that out. But now that I know, it makes it way easier for me to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Same goes for jobs.

What’s the best piece of professional advice you’ve received?

Know your worth. And know when it’s appropriate (if ever) to compromise it.

What’s the number one piece of advice you’d give to set someone on the path to a sexually fulfilling life? I’m no expert (really), but guess that mine would be two-fold: Know your mind and be kind. The rhyming is totally accidental.

You first, sex next. Fulfillment rarely comes from the act itself, but more so from a person finding, loving and knowing themselves.

If you could give the world one sex tip, what would it be?

The Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Any advice for parents on how to discuss sex with their kids?

Worry less about what you’re saying and more about how you’re saying it. Most of the time, you can answer their questions and share the information without even rehearsing it. But if you look like you’d rather be eating raw goat balls, it won’t even matter what you say. Your kids will key into that and register the look on your face into their brain, so the next time they’ve got a question about sex (or anything related to sex), they’ll be pretty hesitant to ask you. If you’re not completely comfortable with the subject matter, then pretend. You want to send the message that you are the person they should talk to if they have questions and not the kid sitting next to them launching spit balls across the room at the teacher.

To close out Relationship Week (you noticed the theme, right? Of course you did.), here is some advice that comes in the form of a joke that Spouse tells often. Almost gratingly often. It goes a little something like this:

A man goes to see his rabbi and says “Rabbi, my life is a mess. My wife is a total nag, my kids are out of control, my dog isn’t housebroken, my boss yells at me all the time and my car is always breaking down.”

The Rabbi thinks for a minute and tells the man “get a goat.”

“But what,” the man says “does that have to do with my problems?”

“Just get the goat,” said the rabbi.

So the man goes and buys a goat. A month later he visits the rabbi again.

“Rabbi, my life is so much worse! This goat eats everything in sight, it bit my wife and is making a mess of the house. My neighbors are threatening to call animal control, it goes to the bathroom everywhere and everything stinks.”

The rabbi smiled. “Get rid of the goat.”

The next week, the man comes back and says “Thank you, Rabbi. I went home and did like you said – I got rid of the goat and now everything’s great!”

No, I don’t know who the goat represents. But it’s got the ring of truth in it. But it’s a nice paradigm to tinker with mentally, no? Passes the time.

You heard it here first: The secret to happiness is a sense of humor.

That’s it. And it’s free of charge and of calories. No enhancing your  manhOOd, or obscure potentates with unclaimed bank accounts. Not a spectacular sale at Bloomingdale’s (though that doesn’t hurt), and not the whole damn cheesecake.

If you find yourself fortunate enough to be in possession of a sense of humor (and not everyone is so lucky), you should hold it close, keep it safe, nurture it, feed it and stroke it gently. Tell it it’s pretty and that it looks great in those pants. Keep it warm and out of drafts, give it plenty of sunlight and stuff to read. It’s your best friend and no one can take it away from you.

Got something to add?

Whenever you get really pissed about something your significant other (SO) has done, use this algorithm before proceeding. LIKE CHOOSE OWN ADVENTURE (the Adult Series, where instead of falling down a hole or being shut in the tomb forever, the negative ending is DIVORCE.)

1) Is it within the power of my SO to prevent this from occurring again?

• If Yes, proceed to Step 2.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

2) If my SO died of a fast, malevolent cancer three months from now, would I be happy I Had a Big Discussion about this, or would I wish that I had let it go? (I know this sounds dramatic, but if something is a big enough deal, you will be satisfied you stuck up for yourself, no matter what life brings.)

• If yes, proceed to step 3.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

3) Discuss the issue with SO. Be sure that you describe in excruciating detail your frustration and rage; enumerate very specific interventions you would like your SO to implement immediately; announce strategy to measure compliance and penalties for violations. Example: “When you leave dirty dishes in your Man Cave, the bugs come. When the bugs come, and I see them, I pee myself a little in terror, which increases my dry cleaning bills, and makes me have incredibly vivid flashbacks to the tenement I lived in when I was in New York, which was also inhabited by an deranged senior citizen who once tried to kill me with a meat cleaver. True story!

Anyway, reliving those experiences puts me in a bad mood for the remainder of the day and dramatically decreases the chance of you getting any of my sugar tonight in the bedroom area. Please bring your dishes upstairs and rinse them off like a big boy. If I see any dirty dishes downstairs again, I will not yell, but I will silently find you wherever you are in the house and like a ninja, do something horrible to you when you least expect it.* Thanks for your time.”

* This only works if you follow through. Generally the more hilarious the horrible thing is, the easier time your SO has remembering not to leave dishes downstairs.

– Amanda

We so often get too comfortable with the people to whom we’re closest. We use emotional shorthand and assume they know what we’re thinking and seethe quietly with resentment over things like this. Air your thoughts early, clearly and plainly, and stick to the issue at hand.

But more to the point, isn’t this great? You know, the meat cleaver thing is totally true – I saw the dents in the door with my own two eyes, though I never did spy the actual geezer. Also, I can vouch for her ninja powers, management skills (seriously, this is some strategic planning), and obsession with malevolent cancer.

Scientific research shows we are “hardwired” to have attachments to, or “need”, other people. So everybody get over being so independent! “Co-dependence” was made up by a guy who didn’t like his wife. Couples are meant to be dependent on one another. This is a good thing. Embrace it!

– Carrie

Relationships are hard. And the good ones require that one drop all of those hard-earned defenses that we value so highly. And dropping those defenses, with the very person who could hurt you the most, is a big leap for most people. But it’s the only path to a truly rewarding relationship. If you expose yourself to the right person, it’s a great thing. If you expose yourself to the wrong person, it’s a misdemeanor. But seriously, if you make yourself vulnerable and it doesn’t work out – then it wasn’t the right relationship, and honestly you’re better off.