I bought these bathtub crayons the other day – ostensibly for baby V, but really for my own amusement. Turns out they’re great tools for a happy marriage. I’ve taken to leaving little notes for Spouse on the shower wall. Nothing heavy, just a morning pleasantry. I have decided this is a great way to start the day. Cheaper and easier than flowers or dinner out, but with an excellent ROI.

Naturally, some notes will polish and shine up a marriage, and others may erode ever so slightly a marriage’s enamel. To that end, I submit the following brief gallery of notes that may not be a good idea.

I had one of those big, annoyingly stupid fights with Spouse the other day. I had a couple of things to pick up at the store, and was planning this elaborate walking route so that I could have a nice, long walk on a beautiful day, and pick up the bare minimum of supplies so that I could carry them home comfortably. Spouse’s position was that I should just take the car to the store and load up. But I didn’t want to take the car. I drive very infrequently these days (just how life’s worked out recently), and honestly, I need the exercise. It went a little something like this:

Me: I’m going to walk to Safeway, so I can only pick up the small pack of diapers and some juice concentrate , and we’ll have to get the big stuff – paper towels, laundry detergent and such – another time.

Spouse: [Silence]

Me: Well, we can all go together in the car to the store later in the week and do a big shop.

Spouse: [Silence]

Me: I’ve been sitting here for days and really need the walk, and I’ll just go when it’s almost time to pick up the baby at daycare. So I’ll swing by there on my way back, consolidating the trip.

Spouse: [Silence]

Me: God! Fine! I’ll take the car to the store and get everything on the list. Are you happy?

Spouse: [Silence]

Of course Spouse was silent. He wasn’t there. I had this whole discussion with him in my head while he was a couple of zip codes away at the office. I did send him an email when I got back from the store, though. It read:

Fine! Stop your incessant badgering! I took the car to the store. Jesus.

To which he replied:

I win.

How did he know that I had a fight with him without his participation? Because we do this often. I think it’s a function of the fact that we’ve been together for 13 years (oy), and that one of the things we have in common is the penchant for overanalyzing conversations both real and imagined.

Is it overgaming? Yes. Is it a sign of mental health? Probably not. But at least it’s something we share, right?

Spouse is a great guy. Among other features, he is the best roommate I’ve ever had. Love him and all that. But now that I’m spending more time managing the homestead, there’s a habit of his that’s making me just a little bit crazypants in my headholes.

When he uses a dish, he takes it to the sink, fills it with water and leaves it there full to the brim. Tea cup, salad plate, ice cream bowl, stew pot, roasting pan, baby bottle… whatever. He says he does this “so they can soak.” Which is patent bullshit and obfuscation. That glass had water in it, Spouse. How do you soak water off of a glass?

So, I’ve asked him nicely several times to please not leave me a sink full of dishes full of water.

And I come home to this.

I mean, seriously. It would be one thing to place a dish in the sink, wait for a few to accumulate, then do a big rinse and put them all in the dishwasher. No big. But if you’re going to fill them carefully and line them up? This is the maximum amount of effort one can expend while still not actually doing the dishes. This makes no sense to me.

To use the sink at all, I have to move these offerings, and always get my hands covered with dirty dishwater, so I have to wash my hands, so I may as well just fill the dishwasher… hey, wait a minute.

But I’m not sure Spouse even knows he’s doing it now. I think that I’ve now put a bug in his ear about “dishes full of water,” and subconsciously he’s trying to oblige. It’s all so tidy. That lineup on the right? Four baby bottles full of water, and four baby bottle caps also full of water. WTF?

How do I make it stop?

When I was in college, there was much discussion of the Dish Fairy. “What do you think? There’s some dish fairy that comes and cleans up after you?” Signs posted in the kitchens my friends shared with a cadre of house- and roommates were sometimes signed by this elusive dish fairy, and begged, cajoled or threatened the reader with bodily harm if they left dirty dishes in the sink.

I don’t think he’d respond well to notes from the dish fairy, so I’m going to try something I read about a couple of years ago. While researching a book about a school for animal trainers, this author learned a lot about positive reinforcement techniques. She tried them on her husband to get him to pick up his dirty socks, to great success. Her article in the New York Times was enormously popular (I remember it making quite a splash when it came out), and was the cause of much conversation around the office.

• Read “What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage”

Wish me luck.

Kristen Chase has been around the block – and through a number of careers. As the author of Motherhood Uncensored and the Mominatrix column at The Imperfect Parent, Kristen also has a new book out: The Mominatrix’s Guide to Sex: A No-Surrender Advice Book for Naughty Moms.  Check out the book’s shiny new Web page with saucy avatar.

As the publisher and COO of the supremely popular CoolMomPicks and one of the founders of  Blog With Integrity, in her spare time, she’s also the mother of three. It’s safe to say she’s got a lot of irons in the fire. Which, frankly, is one of the things that I admire about her. As someone who is constitutionally disinclined to do just one thing all day, I love to meet people who have crafted varied and interesting careers – think of it like diversifying your intellectual investment portfolio. Or like attention deficit disorder. Whichev.

But back to Kristen. She’s a joy to read, and handles sensitive and (ahem) ticklish subjects with unvarnished candor and good humor – which is so important. Want to know which vibrator to bring on a family vacation? Or how she really feels about her husband’s colleague who called in sick, mucking up Christmas morning? She’ll tell you. Also, she likes saying “balls” a lot, which I just find endearing. And she has been kind enough to share her insight here about work, play and parenting.

How do you know when you’re in the right job?

I think jobs are a lot like shoes. I’ve rarely found a good shoe that doesn’t feel right the second you put it on. It took me a while (and a lot of shoes) to figure that out. But now that I know, it makes it way easier for me to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Same goes for jobs.

What’s the best piece of professional advice you’ve received?

Know your worth. And know when it’s appropriate (if ever) to compromise it.

What’s the number one piece of advice you’d give to set someone on the path to a sexually fulfilling life? I’m no expert (really), but guess that mine would be two-fold: Know your mind and be kind. The rhyming is totally accidental.

You first, sex next. Fulfillment rarely comes from the act itself, but more so from a person finding, loving and knowing themselves.

If you could give the world one sex tip, what would it be?

The Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Any advice for parents on how to discuss sex with their kids?

Worry less about what you’re saying and more about how you’re saying it. Most of the time, you can answer their questions and share the information without even rehearsing it. But if you look like you’d rather be eating raw goat balls, it won’t even matter what you say. Your kids will key into that and register the look on your face into their brain, so the next time they’ve got a question about sex (or anything related to sex), they’ll be pretty hesitant to ask you. If you’re not completely comfortable with the subject matter, then pretend. You want to send the message that you are the person they should talk to if they have questions and not the kid sitting next to them launching spit balls across the room at the teacher.

To close out Relationship Week (you noticed the theme, right? Of course you did.), here is some advice that comes in the form of a joke that Spouse tells often. Almost gratingly often. It goes a little something like this:

A man goes to see his rabbi and says “Rabbi, my life is a mess. My wife is a total nag, my kids are out of control, my dog isn’t housebroken, my boss yells at me all the time and my car is always breaking down.”

The Rabbi thinks for a minute and tells the man “get a goat.”

“But what,” the man says “does that have to do with my problems?”

“Just get the goat,” said the rabbi.

So the man goes and buys a goat. A month later he visits the rabbi again.

“Rabbi, my life is so much worse! This goat eats everything in sight, it bit my wife and is making a mess of the house. My neighbors are threatening to call animal control, it goes to the bathroom everywhere and everything stinks.”

The rabbi smiled. “Get rid of the goat.”

The next week, the man comes back and says “Thank you, Rabbi. I went home and did like you said – I got rid of the goat and now everything’s great!”

No, I don’t know who the goat represents. But it’s got the ring of truth in it. But it’s a nice paradigm to tinker with mentally, no? Passes the time.

You heard it here first: The secret to happiness is a sense of humor.

That’s it. And it’s free of charge and of calories. No enhancing your  manhOOd, or obscure potentates with unclaimed bank accounts. Not a spectacular sale at Bloomingdale’s (though that doesn’t hurt), and not the whole damn cheesecake.

If you find yourself fortunate enough to be in possession of a sense of humor (and not everyone is so lucky), you should hold it close, keep it safe, nurture it, feed it and stroke it gently. Tell it it’s pretty and that it looks great in those pants. Keep it warm and out of drafts, give it plenty of sunlight and stuff to read. It’s your best friend and no one can take it away from you.

Got something to add?

Whenever you get really pissed about something your significant other (SO) has done, use this algorithm before proceeding. LIKE CHOOSE OWN ADVENTURE (the Adult Series, where instead of falling down a hole or being shut in the tomb forever, the negative ending is DIVORCE.)

1) Is it within the power of my SO to prevent this from occurring again?

• If Yes, proceed to Step 2.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

2) If my SO died of a fast, malevolent cancer three months from now, would I be happy I Had a Big Discussion about this, or would I wish that I had let it go? (I know this sounds dramatic, but if something is a big enough deal, you will be satisfied you stuck up for yourself, no matter what life brings.)

• If yes, proceed to step 3.
• If No, Announce that you are angry and you are going for a walk, and then drop it.

3) Discuss the issue with SO. Be sure that you describe in excruciating detail your frustration and rage; enumerate very specific interventions you would like your SO to implement immediately; announce strategy to measure compliance and penalties for violations. Example: “When you leave dirty dishes in your Man Cave, the bugs come. When the bugs come, and I see them, I pee myself a little in terror, which increases my dry cleaning bills, and makes me have incredibly vivid flashbacks to the tenement I lived in when I was in New York, which was also inhabited by an deranged senior citizen who once tried to kill me with a meat cleaver. True story!

Anyway, reliving those experiences puts me in a bad mood for the remainder of the day and dramatically decreases the chance of you getting any of my sugar tonight in the bedroom area. Please bring your dishes upstairs and rinse them off like a big boy. If I see any dirty dishes downstairs again, I will not yell, but I will silently find you wherever you are in the house and like a ninja, do something horrible to you when you least expect it.* Thanks for your time.”

* This only works if you follow through. Generally the more hilarious the horrible thing is, the easier time your SO has remembering not to leave dishes downstairs.

– Amanda

We so often get too comfortable with the people to whom we’re closest. We use emotional shorthand and assume they know what we’re thinking and seethe quietly with resentment over things like this. Air your thoughts early, clearly and plainly, and stick to the issue at hand.

But more to the point, isn’t this great? You know, the meat cleaver thing is totally true – I saw the dents in the door with my own two eyes, though I never did spy the actual geezer. Also, I can vouch for her ninja powers, management skills (seriously, this is some strategic planning), and obsession with malevolent cancer.

Scientific research shows we are “hardwired” to have attachments to, or “need”, other people. So everybody get over being so independent! “Co-dependence” was made up by a guy who didn’t like his wife. Couples are meant to be dependent on one another. This is a good thing. Embrace it!

– Carrie

Relationships are hard. And the good ones require that one drop all of those hard-earned defenses that we value so highly. And dropping those defenses, with the very person who could hurt you the most, is a big leap for most people. But it’s the only path to a truly rewarding relationship. If you expose yourself to the right person, it’s a great thing. If you expose yourself to the wrong person, it’s a misdemeanor. But seriously, if you make yourself vulnerable and it doesn’t work out – then it wasn’t the right relationship, and honestly you’re better off.

I have a very fabulous friend. Don’t look so surprised. We went to college together briefly, before we both decided to transfer elsewhere, but our friendship has survived over the ensuing millennia. Which is pretty great.

Well, she’s been living in an apartment that was “promising” at the beginning, but then degraded to “holy fucksticks” when her upstairs neighbor got utterly out of control. A very long story about an illegal sublet, the slow-moving wheels of justice, and the uncanny instinct for manipulation of Lower East Side crackheads combined into a miserable hellbroth that made this saucy little apartment in a very hip neighborhood utterly unlivable.

She’s moving! Which is awesome!

But what’s even more awesome is that she’s moving into a house she owns with her soon-to-be husband! Hooray for marriage.

Here, my dear friend, is some advice for a happy marriage that I’ve gleaned over the squamillion years I’ve been with Spouse. You’ve been subjected to the long, weepy and/or angry phone calls when things were rocky, so you should benefit from the good times. I hope this serves you and your own Spouse well and perhaps gives you a head start as you take this great leap of faith.

That “never go to bed angry” thing? Yeah, that’s bullshit. You will. You’re human and you’ll get angry and it won’t be over with in time for bed. But it’s a nice principle and mostly seems to mean that you should be open to compromise, and knowing that there is no “winning” in marriage, except for winning a warm, open and wonderful relationship with a person you respect and admire. Which I guess is kind of the point and matters rather a lot more than winning the Great Countertop Clutter Wars of 2009.

You’re used to maintaining and protecting your pride. Learn to stop keeping score. Same principle – which is more important to you? The garage door opener, or maintaining a safe, sane and loving household? Some days you’ll just be cranky. Learn to identify that and articulate it and not seek causes or blame. “Honey, I’m just having a crap day and will take it out on you if you start up about who made the bed this morning. Can we discuss it another time?” It requires perspective and the ability to step outside of yourself for a minute and that takes practice and won’t happen 100% of the time. But once you get a handle on it, it makes a huge difference in a happy life.

You each need your own space. I’m not talking about the Man Cave in the basement, but space to either have a quiet morning, or afternoon tea, or a project to tinker with unrushed and unpestered.

Make the mundane enjoyable. You have to do it anyway, right? May as well make the best out of it. One of my favorite activities now is going to the grocery store with Spouse. We go together, in the “fun” car, and take a scenic route to a store 45 minutes away, instead of the one four blocks away. We get a couple of hours together while taking care of a chore, and make a little occasion out of it.You’re married – you don’t have to do dinner and a movie to go on a date.

Er… that’s the crux of it. Anyone have anything to add?