Nutgraf

Another random workday e-mail from Spouse:

“I came to the realization that an idiot is a very complex mechanism. That is why it is practically unpredictable and so difficult to interface with. You also cannot bargain with or threaten it. ”

Honestly, these make my day.

• Advice Project: Do you have a keen workplace observation, or advice for how to succeed?

Once in a while, Spouse will send me an e-mail during the workday outlining a new theory about the nuances or workplace or interpersonal behavior. They are usually pretty incredible because he is in many ways a smart, smart man. He has consented to let me share this theory, which I think is just delightful and gave me a lot to think about.

Spouse says:

I think that people’s overall “well-meaning” towards someone, their benign disposition towards them and willingness to do favors (or even move a muscle) in order to make that person’s life easier, rest at a set of predetermined “ceilings,” much like the energy levels of the orbits of electrons, and not along a continuous range.

Okay class, are we with him so far?

Therefore, if they are on a “benign quantum level” of 1 towards you (bystander), and it takes, say, 7 abstract arbitrary “favor units” (funits) to move them to level 2 (ally), and you’ve been nice to them on 6 different occasions, but in increments of only 5 “funits” each, they are still BQL 1 relative to you, and still won’t move too many muscles when you need help, but you’re 30 funits out-of-pocket, which just were wasted into the “office space” around you…

So, if you’d done one pretty nice thing – valued at 7 or more funits – while having been neutral or a mild jerk on 5 other occasions, you’d be ahead of the person who was consistently nice.

Of course, perhaps after releasing 30 funits into the surrounding environment one has decreased the overall “bitching entropy gradient” of the surrounding office space, and as a result now reduced the BQL-jump ceiling from 7 funits to, say, 4.37, and then somebody just comes along and with a simple expenditure of very few funits gets someone who is still BQL 1 toward you to become their best BQL 3 buddy. Now you’re still out 30 funits, and have not benefited at all, but others have, and at much lesser funit expense.

And now you’ve gone and improved the overall environment, reducing the alliance barrier for others, but still not generating any direct allies for yourself. Boo. Spouse closes by positing that we should use this theory to build a working model to maximize our ROI for funit expenditure.

Hands off ladies, he’s mine.

I worked for a nonprofit national media company a few years ago. At my first official meeting reviewing my performance, my boss – unshaven, in shorts and a torn t-shirt – said “I know that I can hand you any ungodly pile of shit and you’ll just dig in and work through it until it’s done.”

At the time, I was pretty proud of that. Now, [an unnamed number of] years later, I’ve got a different perspective.

Really digging into a task, wrestling it to the ground, beating it into submission and making it do my evil bidding is very satisfying. But it’s not the key to workplace success. That’s not what makes the powers that be give you that pony you’ve always wanted (I’m going to name mine Pickles). Look around – the hardest grinding workers who just put their heads down and burrow in, reliably delivering product – even great product – aren’t the stars. It’s more of a combo-platter of skills, politics, disposition, corporate priorities, “intangibles” (like palette of personalities and the weather), and – yes – work delivery. How that plays out specifically, and how to position oneself to greatest advantage varies, and is a skill set worth cultivating.

That, and dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Those years of wearing jeans and Phish t-shirts to the office probably didn’t do me any favors.

What do you know about succeeding in the workplace? Please. Tell me.

We all heart the planet, right? Keeps us warm, cool, lighted… er… protects us from the cold vacuum of space. It’s the only source of Skittles that I know of. Good stuff, all. So I wanted to highlight Bethesda Green, a local organization that’s doing some good and making some waves. Their roster of sponsors, members  and supporters is impressive, and I intend to harangue some of them for their thoughts here.

Dave Heffernan, Director of Communications at Bethesda Green, has a sweet gig, doing good work within walking distance of his home. These might be some of the perks you get from having 25 years of experience with nonprofits and consulting firms for the federal government (thanks, Dave’s official bio!), but it probably also helps that he’s super nice.

Dave was kind enough to answer a few questions and offer some advice to the next generation.

What’s the biggest thing coming up on Bethesda Green’s calendar would you like to point out here?

We have a Shred and Recycle Event at the Walt Whitman High School parking lot, Sunday, Nov. 15, 1-5 pm.  This is being organized with Montgomery County as part of a number of America Recycles Day activities.  People can bring up to 5 boxes of old bank statements and other personal item for shredding.  We’re also collecting donations of clean clothing, household items and furniture.

The GreenerLiving program is a series of workshops promoting a community effort to reduce energy usage and save money.  We currently have sessions around different topics scheduled Saturdays, 10-11:30 am at Bethesda Green, Nov. 7, Nov. 21, and Dec. 5.  We plan to repeat and expand the offerings in 2010.

What’s the number one daily life tip you’d give someone who wanted to live more responsibly?

This is really a subjective question.  I say each person needs to examine their own behavior first and start taking small steps toward improvement.  Do simple things, make them a habit, and move on from there.  For example, plan your driving so you combine errands.  Then, consider walking, biking or using public transportation as an alternative to always driving.  Buy less is a good tip, and buy eco-friendly.  Biggest impact?  Not sure, but if we all start taking steps to improve behavior, there’s no question the impact will be significant.

More philosophically, what do you want the next generation to know about how to treat the environment?

The next generation is ahead of the curve on a lot of these issues, compared with the general population.  The environment is a living organism in which humans exist symbiotically. Globally, our health as a species is tied to how well we maintain a clean, healthy environment.  We’ll go a long way toward improving the environment if we think of it this way.

Bonus round: What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received – not necessarily green-related?

Take every opportunity to expaned your network of contacts, friends, and colleagues.

Do you have tips for greener living? Or advice for real life in general?

It’s easy, it’s free and it’ll make you feel good.

I cannot believe it, but the brilliant authors of the incredible Go Fug Yourself blog have for some reason consented to respond to a couple of questions here. Quickly, before they come to their senses, let me tell you a little bit about their work and why I strongly recommend that you should read GFY every day.

Go Fug Yourself a fashion blog that dishes on what the stars are wearing, and provides some sideways commentary on celebrity culture through the filter of last season’s leggings. Ew. I kind of regret that metaphor. From fabulous shoes to highly unfortunate trousers, skirts that don’t always qualify for the title, and Bai Ling (enough said), you don’t have to know Louboutins from Levis to enjoy the melee.

I’ve been reading their blog daily for eons and find it to be simply amazing how they keep it fresh day after day, red carpet after red carpet, pantless starlet after shapeless muumuu. They’re snarky, smart and sometimes scathing but never cruel. In short, a strong recommend.

And without further ado, here is the interview:

What’s the single most important sartorial error to avoid at all costs?

JESSICA: We always say, make sure it fits and covers your bits. Everything else is negotiable as long as what you’re wearing fits you properly, and your nipple isn’t popping out.

HEATHER: Amen.

HEATHER: I’d say, a pair of shoes that makes you feel sexy as hell and
like your legs are ten feet long.

HEATHER: Someone once told me that if you’re trying to hide something, baggy clothes are your worst enemy because they’ll just make it look like you’re hiding MORE than you actually are. And it’s absolutely true. Let the clothes follow the contours and curves of your body and it will always be more flattering than trying to hide your tummy in a tent.

HEATHER: Yep, I agree. Scrap the roadmap. Be open to anything, because the best things are the ones you didn’t see coming.

See? Aren’t they awesome?? I think this is the start of a theme, and so I invite you to suggest someone for me to interview, or to give a piece of advice yourself.